Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 
Get even - live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred yard dash.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Lord, if you won't make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
It's not me who can't keep a secret, it's the people I tell that can't.
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
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Modesty is a virtue of fools.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
The more people i meet, the more i like my dog. 
My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.
It's hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.
I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Anythings possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
A drop of ink may make a million think.
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Exercise is such a bad word, that, whenever i say it, i immediately wash my mouth with chocolate!
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
You have the right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice