Location: PHPKode > projects > Enigma > Enigma2/Enigma2_Install/Blocks/Block_MedievalInsults.php
<?php
/*
*****************************************************************

 Block_MedievalInsults.php
 
*****************************************************************
LSP: Lunabyte Systems Portal
Open-Source Project Inspired by Zef Hemel (hide@address.com)
*****************************************************************
Software Version:                  LSP 2.0 "Enigma 2"
Software by:                         Lunabyte Systems (http://www.lunabyte.net)
Copyright 2002-2005 by:       Lunabyte Systems (http://www.lunabyte.net)
Support, News, Updates at:    http://www.lunabyte.net
*****************************************************************
This program is free software; you may redistribute it and/or modify it 
under the terms of the provided license as published by Lunabyte Systems.

This program is distributed in the hope that it is and will be useful,                  
but WITHOUT ANY WARRANTIES; without even any implied warranty of           
MERCHANTABILITY or FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE.                        

See the "LSP_license.txt" file for details of the LSP license.
The latest version can always be found at http://www.lunabyte.net.
*****************************************************************
*/

if (!defined('ENIGMA'))
	die('<b>Access Violation</b><br />Direct Access to this location is not allowed.');

// medieval insults are similar to quotes, but....
function Block_MedievalInsults()
{
	$mayYou = Array(
		'I pray thou shalt',
		'I hope you will',
		'Behold, thou shalt',
		'May you',
		'Thou shalt',
		'O that thou wouldest',
		'So Mote it be',
	);
 
	$haveBadThingsHappen = Array(
		'have more mother-in-laws than King Solomon',
		'be pursued into the mountains by sex-mad baboons',
		'be whipped with a thousand scorpions',
		'be thrown into a den of hyperactive lions',
		'be swallowed by a whale with excessively bad breath',
		'be smitten with all-over boils',
		'be mocked by eunuchs',
		'be captured by Midianite maniacs',
		'become as popular as a boil on the king\'s backside',
		'be plagued with gnats, flies and locusts',
		'be taunted by the king\'s concubines',
		'fall under a speeding chariot',
		'be as welcome as a fart in the queen\'s bedchamber',
		'accidentally insult Goliath',
		'go about weeping and wailing in sackcloth and ashes',
		'go on a diet of crunchy, unsweetened locusts',
		'be trampled by a herd of stampeding pigs',
		'be cast onto a steaming dung-heap',
		'be turned into a pillar of salt',
		'see your pomegranates wither',
		'beget difficult teenagers',
		'be kicked by an incontinent camel',
		'crash the king\'s best-loved chariot',
		'every ninth night be treated like a woman',
		'have thy armpits be infested by the fleas of a thousand camels',
		'be plagued by thou on stupidity',
		'catch your pomegranates and a pig snare',
	);

	$ohYou = Array(
		'thou',
		'O thou',
		'O ye',
		'Thou dolted daffe'
	);
 
	$ofLittleFaith = Array(
		buildown(),
			'of little faith',
			'whose name is but dung',
			'who art a byword for idiocy',
			'breaker of the Kings law',
			'discourager of the brethren',
		buildown(),
			'wolf in sheep\'s clothing',
			'sad Pharisee',
			'armpit of Satan',
			'irritating inhabitant of Gath',
			'child of Jezebel',
		buildown(),
			'son of a thunderous fart',
			'relative of Herod',
			'incompetent tax-collector',
			'lazy Babylonian',
			'babbling Assyrian',
		buildown(),
			'Amalekite dog',
			'lying Girgashite',
			'love-crazed Gittite',
			'creature of the pit',
			'bull of Bashan',
		buildown(),
			'Mesopotomian harlot',
			'wayward winebibber',
			'son of a Philistine',
			'sulphurous nonentity',
			'love-child of Methuselah',
		buildown(),
			'plaything of Beelzebub',
			'dabbler in abominations',
			'exceedingly foolish virgin',
			'denizen of the underworld',
			'offspring of a squashed cockroach',
		buildown(),
			'dulle witted',
			'whose eyes were in thou rear and thou finger following',
			'bride of the Svïnafell troll',
			'dung grazing cockroach flea',
			'who art but scum of the cesspool',
		buildown(),
			'gnat larvae'
	);

	$hearThis = Array(
		'Listen',
		'Hear this',
		'Take heed',
		'Woe unto thee',
		'Harken',
		'For as people say',
	);

	if (rand(0,1))
		echo htmlspecialchars(randomSelect($mayYou) . ' ' . randomSelect($haveBadThingsHappen ) . ",\r\n" . randomSelect($ohYou ) . ' ' . randomSelect($ofLittleFaith ) . '!', ENT_QUOTES);
	else
		echo htmlspecialchars(randomSelect($hearThis ) . ', ' . randomSelect($ohYou) . ' ' . randomSelect($ofLittleFaith ) . ",\r\nfor you will " . randomSelect($haveBadThingsHappen) . '!', ENT_QUOTES);
}

function buildown()
{
	$col[1] = array(
		'Artless',
		'Bawdy', 'Beslubbering', 'Bootless',
		'Churlish', 'Cockered', 'Clouted', 'Craven', 'Currish',	'Dankish', 'Dissembling', 'Droning',
		'Errant',
		'Fawning', 'Fobbing', 'Froward', 'Frothy',
		'Gleeking', 'Goatish', 'Gorbellied',
		'Impertinent', 'incompetent', 'Infectious',
		'Jarring',
		'Loggerheaded', 'Lumpish',
		'Mammering', 'Mangled', 'Mewling',
		'Paunchy', 'Pribbling', 'Puking', 'Puny',
		'Quailing',
		'Rank', 'Reeky', 'Roguish', 'Ruttish',
		'Saucy', 'Spleeny', 'Spongy', 'Surly',
		'Tottering',
		'Unmuzzled',
		'Vain', 'Venomed', 'Villainous',
		'Warped', 'Wayward', 'Weedy',
		'Yeasty'
	);

	$col[2] = array(
		'base-court', 'bat-fowling', 'beef-witted', 'beetle-headed', 'boil-brained',
		'clapper-clawed', 'clay-brained', 'common-kissing', 'crook-pated',
		'dismal-dreaming', 'dizzy-eyed', 'dog-hearted', 'dread-bolted',	'earth-vexing', 'elf-skinned',
		'fat-kidneyed', 'fen-sucked', 'flap-mouthed', 'fly-bitten', 'folly-fallen', 'fool-born', 'full-gorged',
		'guts-griping',
		'half-faced', 'hasty-witted', 'hedge-born', 'hell-hated',
		'Ill-headed', 'Ill-breeding', 'Ill-nurtured',
		'knotty-pated',
		'milk-livered', 'motley-minded',
		'onion-eyed',
		'plume-plucked', 'pottle-deep', 'pox-marked',	'reeling-ripe', 'rough-hewn', 'rude-growing', 'rump-fed',
		'shard-borne', 'sheep-biting', 'spur-galled', 'swag-bellied',
		'tardy-gaited', 'tax-collecting', 'tickle-brained', 'toad-spotted',
		'urchin-snouted',
		'weather-bitten'
	);

	$col[3] = array(
		'apple-john',
		'baggage', 'barnacle', 'bladder', 'boar-pig', 'bugbear', 'bum-bailey',
		'canker-blossom', 'clack-dish', 'clotpole', 'coxcomb', 'codpiece',
		'death-token', 'dewberry',
		'flap-dragon', 'flax-wench', 'flirt-gill', 'foot-licker', 'fustilarian',
		'giglet', 'gudgeon',
		'haggard', 'harpy', 'hedge-pig', 'horn-beast', 'hugger-mugger',
		'jolthead',
		'lewdster', 'lout',
		'maggot-pie', 'malt-worm', 'mammet', 'measle', 'minnow', 'miscreant', 'moldwarp', 'mumble-news',
		'nut-hook',
		'pigeon-egg', 'pignut', 'puttock', 'pumpion',
		'ratsbane',
		'scut', 'skainsmate', 'strumpet',
		'varlet', 'vassal',
		'whey-face', 'wagtail'
	);

	return randomSelect($col[1]) . ' ' . randomSelect($col[2]) . ' ' . randomSelect($col[3]);
}
// end medieval insults functions
?>
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